Ask & You Shall Receive

I think, if one could hear inside the thinking part of my head, 2021 would largely sound like, "AAAHHHHHH!!!" (The yelling kind of "ah", not the sighing kind.) 

It's been so eye-opening, the "receiving" part of "asking and receiving."

I mean, if I take a step back and look at what has come into my life this year, it's essentially what I had been asking for, so ardently, through my period of isolation and healing.

I so deeply desired a home that had permanence & a sense of belonging, instead of feeling temporary & like I was trying to force my square peg to fit the round space.

I also asked, begged the Universe, when would I finally find a tribe, a sense of family, a sense of community - people around me who had their own adjacent paths that resonate with shared values? We would walk side by side on the journey, while routing for one another and supporting one another in a healthy interdependent dynamic. 

I desired someone to hold me, to scratch my back, to share companionship, and of course experience romance. (An imbalance of my romantic Nature can get me lost in dreamy-eyed, idealistic fantasy worlds that ultimately cause me pain if it then doesn't meet eye-to-eye with experienced reality.)  Underneath it all, I wanted a sense of team, of shared values, resonant Souls, resonant physical bodies, and a compatibility that was almost hard to picture, because before my Spiritual Awakening, I don't think I truly knew who I was or what I wanted.

It was hard to reach myself through the layers of hurt and trauma - hurt I experienced, hurt I caused... If you don't know yourself, how can you grasp the concept of what will align with your true self? In my unhealed state, I spent a lot of time feeling triggered and defensive, taking things personally, blaming, shaming, criticising...because that's what I was doing to myself, underneath it all. "Hurting people hurt others." 

I had the absolute blessing and opportunity to take an unflinching and unrelenting gaze into the Heart of me after my marriage ended. All around that same time, I lost my 17 year-old dog and best friend, Kitty.  All three of my beloved living grandparents crossed the veil. My home was robbed and violated, and then I was given 90 days to move somewhere else. I had already been battling depression and anxiety. All of these things aligned to push me waaay out of my comfort zone and into the forest, where I began my deep healing.

Still in a trauma-triggered state, it took me months to begin to trust the people whose land I moved on to. Over time, and with great intentionality, I calmed down my fight/flight/freeze/fawn stress responses and began to uncover all the layers of suppressed pain and anger and fear. I could then do the work of accepting, feeling, loving, releasing. 

After two years in the woods, I began to feel ready to face life again. I began to feel I had a sense of myself, of who I am in the world, and how I want to show up. I felt solid. I felt good. I was putting out all kinds of content with a desire to help others on their healing journeys. How fascinating it is that receiving all the things I wanted/manifested, seemed to be the very things that shook me to my foundation.

I believed myself to be so firm and stable and grounded and centered and sooo good at practicing. And it's true that I was able to do that, to be those things, all alone and in Nature or meditating for hours a day. Then the Universe threw that secluded little hermit into a living situation with 3 generations of family, including two kids under 5, and said, "okay, now do it."

Come to find out, I was on a little rowboat out on the water, and it was like someone dropped a yacht on my rowboat. I could leave my rowboat and board the yacht, but there was some part of me that was trying to negotiate how to keep this yacht accessible and balanced, while I stayed in my little rowboat navigating what I knew of "being me." My life had felt so simple, and it suddenly became so complex. Not only did I find a big, wonderful love, but also, she came with a house, a big family, and a beautiful sense of connectedness to Earth, which yields an abundance of food and beauty. My hands and world and pantry and coffers suddenly became so full.

It happened so suddenly, so stealthily, so obviously and so completely, I struggled to trust it, I struggled to accept it, I struggled with adjusting my behaviour to this beautiful new way of doing and being. 

All this is to say, dear ones, your ever-present connection to All-That-Is knows what you need for your growth and joy. You are a part of everything that so desires to live in peace and safety and love and healed wholeness. That urge you feel is a part of a collective urge. And it will lead you to your deepest, even unexpressed desires. Trust the process, trust the timing, and give yourself beautiful grace and space as you grow into the person who can step into the next (and next and next) levels of healing and happiness. 

You've been asking. Are you ready to receive?